I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
#MeanwhileinCanada
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
