I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
LA today:
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??