Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Born to be mild.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

i- i did not expect this

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

What about second breakfast?

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Greeting humans vs their dogs

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.