Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Leaving the Barbers like

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

Mouse

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry