I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen