I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I just want an internship man
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.