Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Saturday

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.