I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.