I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
You Might Also Like
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Always the camel, never the toe.