I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
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Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Good morning
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
shut up and take my money
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock