I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.