I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
my dad has had enough
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys