Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!