I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
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When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not