I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
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My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Rt to bother an English speaker
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.