I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
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We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT