Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

It be like that sometimes 😆

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Hmmmmmmm….

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

Midwest trash talk

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD