I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.