I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

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Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.


Don’t email me a link to a 6 minute youtube video. I wouldn’t watch a video that long if in contained clues to solve my own murder.


“This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades” big deal buddy that’s what I’m doing too


I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)


Once bitten, twice shy.
Except if you were bitten by a shark. Then you might be dead, and shyness won’t be an issue.


*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.


*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
*the tattoo disappears*


My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.


Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates


INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?