I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.