Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

I think I’m gonna be sick

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”