I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary