I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
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Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude