I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
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me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
#SuperBowl
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.