I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
You Might Also Like
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.