I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
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“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*skinny dips into black hole
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots