I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
You Might Also Like
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.