I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
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During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
