Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Don’t tell me what to do

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.