I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.