Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

The little toadstool has spoken.

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.