I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload