Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

me opening up to someone

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”