I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Just grow your own
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
#milo
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes