I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
🖤✌🏽
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.