i like to flex on them by shrugging
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You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.