i like to flex on them by shrugging
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for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.