i like to flex on them by shrugging
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Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?