I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
on da cob, we all corn