Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

he’ll never suspect a thing

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.