I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.