Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Travel bloggers during quarantine

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me