I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
why isn’t he texting back
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Bloody internet 😳
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels