Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Better luck next time champ

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound