I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
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I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Go gym
