I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know