I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
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Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…