Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

What my back needs

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

🤣

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

prepare for carbonated trouble

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

me as a parent

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.