I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Don’t forget to tip your server
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
How I like cutting carbs
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
gm
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’