I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
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You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”