I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
So sorry
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
#NoRestForTheWicked
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
☠️
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza