[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
DEFINITELY CANT DUNK ANYMORE
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.