@Robert_Beau

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

@djdarrellripley

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

@bingowings14

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

@farleftcoast

I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.

@BoogTweets

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@TheAndrewNadeau

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.