I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.