I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
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Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.