I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
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Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Netflix: We have Less
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”