I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
You Might Also Like
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Bootstraps
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
!!!!!!!!!!!
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Every
Single
Year
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
