Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us