Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Animal poetry