I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
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Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
logging onto twitter…
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!