I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
As per my previous tablet…
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Can. I. Help. You.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*