Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.