I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?