Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.