I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
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Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!