I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
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Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
rapatouille
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true