I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
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Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?