I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
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Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.