I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
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Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Phonetics
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Labreador
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.