I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?