I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
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♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.