Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

💯😂

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.