I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
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I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
😂🍻
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Found the job I’m suited for
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.