I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though