Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!