I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
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Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Simple
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
i want to work in this restaurant
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”