I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
You Might Also Like
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.