Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

And that about sums it up.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?